Not Completely back yet...

Contrary to popular belief, I am very much alive...

Just been busy in some form or another.  I'll get more motivation to write this week. 

Its funny I've been getting emails recently on why I haven't updated in like a month.  If you read my blog posts you'd understand why.  But I'll be back in a big way....hopefully.

Happy Manufactured Holiday!

Valentine Day is so silly and superficial.  What is really dumb is that I think that it is a BS holiday, but I feel depressed that I don't have someone to share it with.  It is like the holiday is made to make single-people feel utterly worthless.  It doesn't help that someone just recently broke my heart so completely that I have trouble even sleeping at night.  It hurts that they are happy and moving on with their life like you never existed.  Feels like 4th year of college circa 2001.

This weekend was pretty fun, though.

I really want to write...

But I can't.  I know if I start writing here then I'll write some ultra-depressive shit that no one (especially me) really wants to see.

It seems that everything I think that I'm feeling better...I wake up in the morning (and for no reason at all) just feel worse.  Maybe I need a shrink or something....nah, that won't solve anything. 

Don't worry about me, I'm not going to jump out a window or start breathing carbon monoxide exclusively.  Although jumping out my window since I live on the first floor would be pretty funny.

Portland was ok, but no girl sadly.  Schedules are hard to synch up.

Still writing what I want for the Philippines and Vegas trips

Well, enough of the drama...you know, you gotta save some for your mama.

Politik

Actually, I have no idea what the difference between politics and politiks or if there even a difference.

Anyways, some stuff on my mind in recent weeks.

I love football, but there is too much attention paid to the condition of one bad ankle of a Wide Receiver, and not enough attention paid to the condition of lost munitions in Iraq.  Or maybe the 100,000+ lost Iraqi lives?  Or maybe the "lost" weapons of mass destruction? 

Remember the weapons of mass destruction?  Were they not a cute story?  We even gave them a sweet little pet name: WMD.  Shoot, WMD was the basis of almost any kind of justification in 2003 to 2004.  Invade Iraq? WMD.  Bomb civilian neighborhood into smitherens?  WMD.  Elect Bush?  He stopped WMD.  Elect Kerry?  He isn't TOUGH enough on WMD.  Democrats?  WMD wussies.  And on and on.  At one point, I almost punched a friend because I thought he had a WMD in his front shirt pocket. (it turned out to be his vibrating cell phone)

So where are those super-popular WMDs?  Gone.  The inspectors and investigators have actually said that there probably was no WMDs.  In fact, there was no plans to build any WMDs. 

So, now you know what question I'm thinking of posing, right?  Just guess.  Can't figure it out?  Well, WHY IN SWEET F-ING CHRIST DID WE INVADE THAT QUAGMIRE OF A COUNTRY IN THE FIRST PLACE?  You tell me this in a persuasive fashion, and I will mail you my brand-new car, at no cost to you.  (Of course, you won't convince me because there was/is no reason to invade that country.  Oh, and more on the car later )

(Hmm...thinking about sweet car...lost train of thought...)

Now, in Afghanistan (remember that place?), the Taliban is regrouping, women are still 6th-class citizens, and Al-Queda (you remember them right?) is back on the prowl.  In fact, their friggin' leader is friggin' sending messages all over the world about what a dumbass of a country we are!  Why haven't we destroyed their terrorist network?  What are they allowed to "run and hide"? 

This might hurt to try to remember Tora Bora, but the US had them.  We had them dead to rights.  We were right on their trail and, then, we decided to open another front in Iraq.  We took our best special forces units off the bin Laden man-hunt, and put them in Iraq....which they promptly found Saddam.  When Saddam was captured, I was insanely angry, because that was supposed to be bin Laden.

Here it is real simple: bin Laden orchestrated the 9/11 attacks...Saddam didn't orchestrate the 9/11 attacks.  We give up on the chase for bin Laden, so we can bomb the holy hell out of Saddam and produce sham elections.

Wow, seriously folks, our tax dollars at work.  If there is anything that I can't understand is how people can even support this administration with a straight face.  I mean all that emotional, relationship-trouble issues that I posted below?  I can remotely understand.  Bush administration support?  I have no friggin' clue.  It would be easier for me to explain the theory of dark matter than explain Bush supporters. (and yes, that was my attempt at being kinda funny).

So, now we had an election in Iraq, but we don't even how many people voted.  The first percentage counts for voter turnout were in the high 70s.  Then it was 57%.  Now some people are estimating it to be in the low 40s possibly 30s range.  (kind of sounds like a bad weather forecast)

Ugh, elections were not what Iraq needed.  An election does not stop violence.  An election definitely does not stop insurgency.  And an election that doesn't have support of its population is not credible. 

Remember this: "I don't know where he is, and I don't care."

Update

I'll try to write more later tonight, but I haven't written anything at all so I figured that I'd post something.

My life right now is pretty good.  I am pretty much content with every aspect, except for one.  If you have been following my erratic updates to this blog, you could probably guess that it is a relationship-type issue that has been plaguing (sp?) my life.  I'm fairly transparent like that.

This past month has been a strange and, ultimately, futile journey.  I started having feelings for a particular woman, but she was in a pseudo-relationship at the time.  However, she started to have the same feelings towards me.  After a while, she wanted space to work out her own problems, so I let her have her space.  This woman also happened to live two states away from me, so we both wondered how the distance thing would work out.

Then, she claimed that her pseudo-relationship was over.  She wrote me an email that she didn't want that person anymore.  I was glad (and nervous), but I wanted to still let her have her space.  This was the same week that I took off for Las Vegas to see my cousin get married. 

After the marriage, I spoke to this woman whom I had feelings for.  We talked and talked about everything.  Life, death, philosophy, Futurama, our budding relationship, etc.  Eventually the sun rose and we could barely speak anymore, but there seemed to be a definite connection there.

She then wrote me a letter stating her feelings for me.  I was overjoyed because I felt the same way too.  All the foolishness and illogicalness (is that even a word?) of a long-distance relationship didn't seem to matter.  I was falling for her, and I thought that she was falling for me.  She even planned a trip to see me here in Seattle.

However, when I came back to Seattle, the real world started setting in.  She slowly started getting back into her pseudo-relationship, and she started to ignore me.  Slowly, any semblance of our own "relationship" was falling apart. then, the pseudo-relationship became just a relationship.  There would be a few more of those wonderful all-night talks, but they were marred by what I knew was going to happen: this one is not going to end well. 

But you will probably ask yourself: why would you go through that stuff, Dan?  Why would you sucuumb to being the proverbial 3rd wheel?  Well, it was simple.  I had fallen hard for her, and I cared about her too much to let go.  She told me that she had the same feelings as I.  Why would I run from that?  So, I continued on.

It seemed, though, the situation would get worse or better like a stock exchange would, with no real meaning or precedence.  There were some days that she wouldn't even talk to me.  Some days were she claimed that she was busy, but not tell me why.  And some days that we stayed up all night talking and laughing.  She seemed like she had the same feelings of love towards me.

The weekend (this past weekend) of her trip to Seattle finally came.  I was confused of what would happen.  I was even tempted to not see her at all, but we had another one those wonderful talks a couple of days before she came...so I decided that I would see her.

Saturday went very well, and I started to feel all the same emotions again.  It didn't help that she was astoundingly beautiful and had the most wonderful smile that I have ever seen.  After that day...well everything fell apart for me.

I asked her what we were doing: is there hope between us or is it just friendship?  She would say that she doesn't think there is a future for us.  I was in disbelief. 

Then came this exchange at 3 am on Monday morning:

Me: What about all those things you told me?  All your feelings towards me?  The things you wrote in your letter?  What happened to all of that?  Did it just disappear?

Her: ...

Me: [her name]?

Her: ...I was caught up in the moment when I said those things.

Me: (half-crying) ...ok...

Her: I don't want to hurt my boyfriend.

Me: (definitely holding back some tears) ...ok...

And that was that.  I knew at that moment that I didn't have those feelings for her anymore.  I couldn't believe that someone could just dismiss their feelings for someone else as just being caught up in the moment.  It hurt a lot, but in the end, it was good in a way.  It served as a closing of a confusing and discombobulated chapter in my life.  And, it let me know what she truly thought of me.  December 13th (when I started to talk with her) seemed light-years away.  So much has changed since then.  Truly a weird section of my life.

So what now?

Well, I'm doing better than yesterday, and yesterday I was doing better than two days ago.  I get extremely sad and upset several times in the day, particularly when I'm headed to bed and I'm just alone with my thoughts.  But I am slowly rebuilding my broken heart.  I actually am fairly upset with myself, because (some of you would know this) I've been burned even worse than this before by a woman.  In fact, I don't even know how I'm even willing to try again, because I have some really bad stories.  But I should have seen some red flags and figured out earlier when she was no good for me.  But you know what?

She really seemed like she was worth it.  This woman was really special to me, and she embodied pretty much everything that I wanted in someone...well, minus all the drama and dragging me through the mud, and making me the third wheel in an awkward situation, "caught up in the moment", and her trying to ignore me, part.

I knew I made mistakes as well.  I probably didn't help the situation, but it is kind of hard to feel so much love for someone...and for them to attribute it to nothing...or for them to not even know if they ever did have feelings for you.

So this weekend, I might be headed to Portland.  I am having late lunch/early dinner with a woman that I knew from Hawaii and whom I just got reacquainted during my cousin's wedding.  It might not amount to any kind of a relationship.  So who knows where my life will lead?  But I know that I am moving on.

So this is what has been going on in my life.  Send me a line to let me know what is up in your neck of the woods.

Next: Philippine reflections (finally!) and Vegas Adventures